As I’ve been organising this project, I have been keen to make sure the contributors and readers are the main focus. I knew body image was a topic that affected me and I knew that reading the submissions could relate to my experiences; but I don’t think I considered just how easily I could be consumed into it again. I admit I was a little naïve to think I was just going to be a project leader whose own trouble with their body would remain untouched until I saw the anthology through to the end.

 

I have been thinking about my body more than usual so far throughout this process. I can happily say that some of those thoughts have been really progressive and positive. I have been embracing change in my body and not immediately striking it down with the excuse of not being good enough. Of course, to go hand-in-hand with this, there have been moments of insecurity and negativity. Avoiding the mirror, making panicked decisions about my eating and exercising, and using self-punishment to try and ‘discipline’ myself. With the busy pace of work, play, and everything outside and in-between, it can be a short while until you have a steady moment of reflection and realise how you’re doing.

 

A friend of mine, James, offered me one of these moments. James does photography, you can find his work here. I have gratefully abused his skills over the years; whether that be getting sent sporadic pictures of sky that he knows I would like, or asking for his help with videos I have needed to film. So, when he messaged me asking whether I would be interested in being the subject of a photoshoot for him, I very much owed him one.

He pitched it well, too.

 

Autumn-themed, so I could wear a big ol’ jumper and boots. I would be in one of my favourite places, the woods in my hometown. We’d end the day with a hot chocolate but he’d bring a flask of something stronger to keep me warm as the work took place. It even sounded a little exciting.

 

This was all before I had agreed to take part though. After I had said yes and let myself think about it, the prospect began to sink into that familiar pit of fear and body insecurities. Disappointed but not surprised, right?

 

Every other fibre of my being adores photos, natural or posed. I love documenting memories and capturing moments, even if the pictures don’t go anywhere. But, when you struggle with your body, seeing yourself in someone else’s photos can bring some negatives. There are instances where I look at a photo and don’t recognise my body. It will depend on my headspace, but I can look at myself and be genuinely shocked by how much biggerthinnersoftermuscularshorterweirder I look than I thought.

We did the shoot and I was awkward as hell. This isn’t my self-deprecation coming out to play, James would agree that I took some time to warm up. E.g. this photo was taken before the contents of the flask had kicked in a little.

A large part of body insecurity is the fear of what other people think of the way you look for when, god forbid, they have passing thought about you. Over time, I taught myself the best ways to manipulate myself to ‘prepare’ for this.

 

 

I grew up dancing from a young age through to adulthood, learning that a key element of form was to ‘suck in your stomach’ to engage your core. In repeating that movement so much and strengthening those muscles, it became something I could do easily and hold for a long time. Once I caught onto how it changed how my body looked, I would make sure I was doing it in everyday life; getting up from my desk, walking down the street, ordering at the bar, all because I knew it would make me look smaller should someone glance at me.

 

This habit has fallen away bit by bit over the last couple of years as I have been working on my body confidence. However, as I was standing in the woods with a camera directed at me, I caught myself sliding back into these traps; I was tensing my body, using my arms to cover my stomach, looking down or away from the onlooker.

 

James kindly offered to switch places with me for a few shots. My photography skills are not something to be envied, but I was able to capture a few pictures of him at ease. Being able to watch him demonstrate how to simply enjoy the surroundings helped me. I unclenched my body, one part at a time, and tried to just exist in front of the camera. It got easier.

Looking at the photos was a bit of a lip-biting, wincing at the screen moment at first. ‘At first’ are the important words here. Of course my initial impression is expecting the negative, but that’s only because I’ve conditioned myself into seeing my body that way. It’s the thoughts afterwards that show I’m trying to modify my attitude towards myself, and it turns out these are a lot more reasonable.

 

One of my biggest hang-ups with my body has been my thighs. This can be tricky for a person who loves knee socks and stockings as much as I do. I have jumped from desperately trying to force a thigh gap between my legs, to labelling them as feminine curves that I must love, to seeing them as strong legs that I should be proud of. But even when I’ve settled on one of these options, it’s still not thin enough, not curvy enough, or not strong enough.

 

My first thought on this photo was that my leg looks too big from the side.

That it was taking up too much space in relation to everything else there and this photo was automatically a write-off. I couldn’t let myself see past it. But then I paused. After a helpful prod from James, I thought about it and reconsidered. What it actually looks like is a fairly healthy leg and, if I’m squinting, a leg with a little muscle definition. My exercising could actually be paying off! This was a welcome realisation for me, to not only turn around my opinion on the photo, but to see results of exercise that were not just getting thinner and smaller and being alright with that.

 

I half-wish I could say something inspirational like, my confidence rocketed as the camera clicked and now I have an Instagram dedicated to modelling shots. But it just isn’t true because it’s a ridiculous, mostly unachievable outcome.

 

I think something that is often forgotten with body acceptance movements and body image discussion is that the goal isn’t to unconditionally love every part of yourself so that you don’t have a damaging thought again. It’s being able to decide that your body is worthy of love no matter what it looks like, and that it is far from being the core focus of who you are. It’s about being open to an alternative way of thinking about yourself.

 

If you like the idea of doing a photoshoot or something similar but you’re wary of getting stuck in, I have a few pointers for you:

• The setting should be somewhere you feel comfortable.
  I had enough going on in my head to add to the stress of being photographed in an unknown location with potentially more people around me. Plus, it doesn’t have to be a public place. Have some shots captured at the kitchen table or in your back yard – wherever you think you’re going to forget about the camera most.
• The photographer should be someone you trust.
  It was super handy for me to have a photographer friend who enjoyed his side of the project, but you don’t need someone with a fancy camera. As long as it’s someone patient or someone you can act a fool around, then you’ll feel much more comfortable.
• The end result isn’t the be-all and end-all.
  This is what held me back at first. I was too worried about how the photos would come out that I was tense and unnatural. Try to clear your head and focus on what your senses are picking up. What can you see, hear, and feel?
• Share the glory!
  This is obviously optional. The majority of photos I take are not shared with people. If you do like what you see, there is no shame in posting them somewhere to let others know that you were really liking yourself that day. It also serves as a little reminder to yourself that you can feel that good.

 

Thanks again to contributors and people who continue to take part in body image discussion with me. It’s good to remember that I’m not just an emotionless project manager and the reason I’m doing this is because I know what it’s like to think so harshly and feel so uncertain about yourself.

Doing something as intimidating as being photographed can be a fun experiment; if your first impressions are like mine and often far too self-critical, do your best to take a minute and find that alternative. Because it will be there.